☀️ Succession: Senate edition

PLUS: Dueling border visits, droppping back into the race, and way too many hot dogs

Good morning! The Smokehouse Creek wildfires are the second-largest in U.S. history. They’ve burned 2,000 square miles near the Texas Panhandle. That’s a land area nearly the size of Delaware.

SENATE

👴🏻 John vs. John vs. John

The Senate’s weird. The head of the Senate doesn’t even serve in the body. The next most powerful person (technically) is chosen because they’re old. And... well, we'll get into that another time.

Sen. Mitch McConnell, 82, announced he (the minority leader) will step down at the end of the year from his longtime perch atop the Senate Republican Caucus. He’s not resigning, though. McConnell plans to serve out the remaining three years of his term.

Senate Democrats will continue to be led by Sen. Chuck Schumer (the majority leader) and all the youth and vigor a 73-year-old can muster.

I literally don’t know what any of that means. Perfect. That’s why you’re here.

Majority Leader: The leader of the majority party (duh). This person pretty much runs the Senate and has wide power over what gets voted on. Currently, it’s Sen. Chuck Schumer (D).

Minority leader: The leader of the minority party (duh). This person pretty much just wants to become majority leader so they can focus on more than playing defense. This is the title McConnell's giving up.

He's led Senate Republicans since 2007, which makes him the longest-tenured party leader ever.

Succession: Any Republican senator can run to become their party’s next leader. And they'll only need the votes of other Republican senators. Let's take a quick, thrilling look at the three candidates already “burning up the phones.” To ensure things are as boring and stereotypical as possible, they’re all named John:

  1. John Barrasso: From Wyoming. 71. He’s a physician and slightly Trumpier than the other two.

  2. John Cornyn: From Texas. 72. A smidge more center-right than right-right. He may have a few problems on his right flank back home as a result.

  3. John Thune: From South Dakota. 63. The nicer, Midwestern one. And the most attractive (grading on a hefty curve, here, obviously).

There's a pretty good chance one of these guys ends up on the news every day for the next decade. But anyone can run. Voting will take place sometime after the November elections and will include any incoming freshmen. May the best John win.

CONGRESS

🏈 Congress punts the budget again

Look At Us Paul Rudd GIF by First We Feast: Hot Ones

Who would’ve thought? (GIPHY)

We’ve got good news and bad news if you work for the federal government. You’re still getting paid. But you have to go to work on Monday.

Part of the federal government would’ve shut down tonight if Congress hadn’t passed a budget. The rest would’ve shut down later this month.

They bumped those deadlines out to March 8 and March 22 by passing two short-term funding bills yesterday. That only gives them one extra week to work this out.

Shutdown? It’s shocking, but this is the fourth time Congress has passed short-term budgets (aka "continuing resolutions" or CRs) since October. Here what that means:

  • Agencies can’t operate unless Congress gives them cash.

  • Non-essential employees can’t work. But they’ll still get paid when the shutdown ends.

  • Air traffic controllers and law enforcement are essential. The beer label guy goes home.

Monuments, museums, and national parks usually close during shutdowns. So they're not the best times to take little Braeylin to Washington, D.C.

By the way: This entire concept only affects 25% of the budget. The other 75% — things like Social Security, Medicare, and interest on the national debt — is automatic.

POLITICS

⚪ President Joe Biden and former President Donald Trump made dueling visits to the U.S.-Mexico border yesterday. Biden went to Brownsville, TX. He with Border Patrol agents and Homeland Security Sec. Alejandro Mayorkas. The president hit House Republicans for opposing the Senate’s immigration bill, which many on the right (including Trump) consider too weak. Trump visited the site of much of the recent migration surge, Eagle Pass, TX, with Gov. Greg Abbott and local police. Immigration has been one of Trump’s stronger issues going back to 2016. But it's Biden's weakness. The dueling trips show Trump trying to use his strength and Biden trying to shore up his weakness ahead of November's election.

🔴 You win some, you lose some. Former President Donald Trump is appealing the civil lawsuit verdict that left him owing the State of New York more than $450 million. That verdict requires he come up with the cash by March 25. But it bans him from getting loans from New York banks to do so. Fortunately for Trump, a judge stayed that ban (delayed it). Unfortunately for Trump, the due date hasn't changed (despite that it could get overturned on appeal).

🔵 She’s baaack! Longshot Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson dropped out of the race a few weeks ago. On Wednesday, she dropped right back in. The author and “spiritual advisor” doesn’t believe the Biden/Harris ticket can "beat that juggernaut of dark, dark vision." Shot in the dark, but we'll assume that refers to Trump.

🔴 The federal government is criminally prosecuting Donald Trump for allegedly trying to overturn the 2020 election. His defense says he's immune -- any actions he took were part of his job as president. A federal court disagreed. So he appealed. And the Supreme Court just took the case and put it on the calendar for late April. Democrats aren't thrilled by this. Even if they rule against Trump, this likely pushes his trial after the election.

🔵 Activists want to toss California Gov. Gavin Newsom (D) out of office for alleged bread-related corruption. Actual bread, not cash. The state’s fast food minimum wage will soon be $20 per hour. Unless you sell bread as a standalone item. And one of the governor's big donors just so happens to own loads of Panera Bread franchises. The governor's office says it's all one big misunderstanding of the law. Regardless, expect this hole to get plugged. And the recall effort to go nowhere (just like the last one).

TRIVIA

It has to be said. Some people think Sen. Mitch McConnell looks like a turtle. We’re not saying we believe this. But it’s out there. It is what it is. There are worse animals to be compared to (like this or this). Anway. What is the lifespan of a giant tortoise?

WORLD

🇷🇺 Russia: Two weeks before a totally-not-at-all-rigged election, President Vladimir Putin has two suggestions for the Russian people. Have more babies to end the population crisis. And stop chugging vodka like it’s water and you’re stuck in Phoenix in July. He also casually threatened to, you know, nuke Europe if they send troops to Ukraine.

❔ Transnistria: Is it Moldova? Is it Russia? Is it Transnistria? A tiny breakaway region of Moldova asked Russia for protection (though 1,500 Russian troops are already stationed there). But they didn't ask to become part of Russia. Nor were they specific about what “protection” means. Transnistria is a long, skinny Russian-speaking region of about 400,000 people sandwiched between Moldova and Ukraine. It's been a weird, semi-independent state since its 1992 war with Moldova.

🇵🇸 Gaza: Over 100 people were reported dead in northern Gaza yesterday morning. What happened and who’s at fault depends on which source you believe. The Palestinians claim Israel massacred innocent people at an aid convoy. The Israelis claim it was an unfortunate stampede caused by a mob rushing the aid trucks and that it fired on only ten people who threatened its soldiers. The incident came as Palestine's two rival governments — Fatah in the West Bank and Hamas in Gaza — met for unity talks in Moscow.

BRIEFS

QUOTE

❝

I did not handle this right.

— Defense Sec. Lloyd Austin, testifying to Congress about his secret disappearing act during a health scare in January.

SNACKS

🌭 Hot dogs: It was fun while it lasted. The Philadelphia Phillies are ending their dollar hot dog nights. Too many fans began yeeting their weiners onto the field, often missing and hitting other people. This is a less fun modern recreation of Cleveland’s infamous 1974 “10 Cent Beer Night” promo. Firecrackers, nudity, more nudity, and a riot ended the game early after 25,000 fans got absolutely blasted for the inflation-adjusted equivalent of 59 cents a pop.

🤖 Robots: Robot startup Figure AI raised $675 million in its quest to create AI-powered humanoid workforce robots. The demonstration video is wild. The only question is: does this end up more like “The Jetsons” or “The Terminator.”

📞 Advice: Turns out tons of A-list celebrities have better phone habits than the rest of us.

ANSWER

Some species of giant tortoise can live for about 200 years. A Galápagos giant tortoise named Harriet lived from 1830 to 2006. She was owned by both Charles Darwin and Steve Irwin and was called Harry until she was 130. Apparently, that sort of thing isn’t as obvious on giant tortoises as it is on dogs. The current record holder is a Seychelles giant tortoise named Jonathan. He’s 191.