Good morning! Your next rat pizza at the children’s casino will have a new soundtrack: Chuck E. Cheese is phasing out its weird animatronic band.

2024

🗯️ First presidential debate gets pushed up to June

Just what nobody wanted: a presidential debate in June. The Biden and Trump campaigns mutually agreed to bail on the three fall debates scheduled by the bipartisan Commission on Presidential Debates (CPD) that's run the show since 1988. Instead, they’ve negotiated directly with TV networks to hold two debates this summer.

• June 27 on CNN

• September 10 on ABC

Why the change? Republicans since 2016 have taken issue with the CPD. While its board has Republicans, they’re of the old-school anti-Trump variety. So Trump has nobody pushing his case for more favorable rules or formats.

The now-canceled CPD debates were scheduled for September and October. Biden’s team was reportedly concerned he’d bomb in the first debate (or two) — out-of-practice incumbent presidents often do.

• Holding earlier debates makes a possible gaffe (or three) less impactful.

• Biden will also want to recover some of his lost momentum by reminding voters why they fired Trump back in 2020. And he'll need to do that before they've made up their minds.

Trump doesn’t think he can get a fair shake with the CPD. So negotiating the details directly with Biden and the networks is a win for him.

• You might also notice there are only two debates on the schedule now instead of three. That probably benefits both candidates. Neither of these guys is what you might call “good” at debating (or standing upright for two hours at a time).

The Kennedy factor: Indy candidate Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. is not thrilled about this. The old CPD rules were tough on third-party inclusion. But the Biden and Trump campaigns couldn’t easily change them. Now? All bets are off.

• CNN claims Kennedy will be invited if he meets certain polling thresholds and is on the ballot in enough states to win.

• But Biden thinks Kennedy, a lifelong Democrat, will steal his support. And he’s got more sway over RFK’s inclusion now. The 1980 debates were run this same way. Then-President Jimmy Carter refused to debate if a third-party candidate was invited.

What about the VPs? The initial Commission-sponsored vice presidential debate has also been axed. Vice President Harris accepted an offer from CBS to debate her yet-to-be-announced Republican rival. Details on that are TBD. Trump’s VP pick isn’t likely to be announced until close to the Republican Convention in mid-July.

Future: Every channel showed the old CPD debates. With single networks in charge of the new ones, expect those left out in the cold — Fox News and (MS)NBC — to want a share of the action.

THE FRENCH

🏝️ Welcome to French Hawaii (sort of)

Have you ever wanted to lay on the beach while gnawing on a baguette? New Caledonia might be your place. Just not right now.

After days of riots, protests, and fires, France declared a state of emergency and sent another 1,700 troops to its slice of paradise in the South Pacific (and took the opportunity to ban TikTok).

• The riots have caused more than $200 million in damage and killed at least three protestors and one police officer.

Why the riots? New Caledonians are mad about a law passed in Paris that will let long-term from-France-French residents vote in local island elections. Everyone on the island can currently vote in national French elections. But only native New Caledonians have a say in island government.

Aren't they all French? Sort of. Calling this French Hawaii isn't super accurate (that honor belongs to other islands). It's more like French Guam. France owns the islands of New Caledonia and is ultimately in charge. But local decisions, unlike in France proper, are made by locals alone. And they don't let just anyone move in from Marseilles and vote.

Why the new law? The French might say it's unfair that they're treated as second-class citizens in French territory. Locals might say the change is meant to stifle a burgeoning pro-independence movement.

• New Caledonians voted in 2020 against declaring independence from France. But pro-independence groups boycotted that vote, saying it was unfairly held during the pandemic.

Who's right? Who knows. But if you're looking to double-fist some macarons and a glass of champagne on the beach somewhere, Reunion Island is nice this time of year.

Some unrelated, U.S. government news:

• 📼 President Biden will assert executive privilege to prevent the release of his recorded interview with a special counsel (the transcript dropped a few months ago)

• 🚙 Congress passed a bill to keep the FAA going for another five years and add new flights to D.C.’s airport (over objections from the Maryland and Virginia delegations)

• 🌍 Kenyan President William Ruto will begin his official state visit to the U.S., which includes a state dinner, on May 23 — the first African leader to do so since 2008

• 🌿 The Department of Justice officially submitted its proposed rule to bump marijuana down from Schedule I to Schedule III, making it slightly less illegal (here’s our full writeup)

POLITICS

🔵 The White House released the required 2023 financial disclosures for President Biden and VP Harris.

• Harris received two gifts of note: $1,900 college football tickets and $1,700 Beyoncé tickets (gifted by Queen Bey herself)

• President Biden came up empty in the gifts department. And income from his 2007 and 2017 books? Between $0 and $200.

🔵 New Jersey Sen. Bob Menendez’s federal bribery trial took a turn. That $400,000 in cash and (literally) gold bars found in his house? His lawyers are blaming his wife, Nadine (who has also been charged). Yes, the same wife who was just diagnosed with cancer.

⚪ Nicole Shanahan, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.’s VP candidate and, crucially, the ex-wife of Google co-founder Sergey Brin, just threw another $8 million at their campaign. The cash will be used to run the ballot access operations.

🐯 The Tiger King himself, Joe Exotic, firmly denied rumors that his technically-a-real-thing presidential campaign was over. It’s full speed ahead for Joe. Presumably, his 21-year prison sentence makes campaigning difficult. But it wouldn’t make being president impossible. Should he win, he could immediately pardon himself and walk out the door.

TRIVIA

Joe Biden and Donald Trump are a lot of things. But “young” is not on that list. They will be 86 and 82 years old at the end of the next term. Believe it or not, America’s political leaders haven’t always been elderly. How old was the youngest signer of the U.S. Constitution?

Hint: He wasn’t old enough to serve in the Senate when he signed the document creating it.

WORLD

🇳🇱 Netherlands: Six months after elections, the Dutch Parliament might finally decide who gets to become prime minister. A populist right-wing party won last year. But they're unpopular with the rest of Parliament and set to get skipped in the P.M. game.

🇵🇪 Peru: In a totally noncontroversial move, Peru now classifies trans people as "mentally ill." The government claims the change is pro-LGBT and will better facilitate treatment. But strong social conservatism in Peru runs the ideological gamut from right-wingers to self-described Marxists.

🇸🇰 Slovakia: Prime Minister Robert Fico is in serious condition after being shot twice by a 71-year-old poet who police believe acted alone. Fico is a populist seen as pro-Russian. He's being treated at a Slovakian hospital named for U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt.

🇺🇸 United States: The Supreme Court upheld the CFPB’s weird funding structure. Created by Congress in 2011, the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau gets its cash from the Federal Reserve — not Congress. It regulates businesses like banks, payday lenders, and debt collectors.

BRIEFS

• Some iPhone users are reporting a bug in iOS 17.5 is restoring long-deleted photos, three-year-old NSFW shots included

• Detroit’s population grew for the first time since 1957, gaining ~1,900 residents from 2022 to 2023, according to the Census Bureau

• The European Union is investigating Facebook and Instagram for being “addictive” to children

• Low bars could soon be a thing of the past for AT&T customers — no new phone required — due to a partnership with a satellite co.

• China's navy just built what seems to be the world's first (pretty small) aircraft carrier made specifically for drones

• The attorney for the family of slain Airman Roger Forston says the evidence shows the Florida deputy was at the wrong apartment

• Microsoft will continue operating in China but will pay for staff to transfer out of the country if they desire

QUOTE

SNACKS

🌊 Pyramids: Turns out it wasn’t the aliens. Scientists have uncovered what they believe to be a long-buried branch of the Nile River running alongside the pyramids that could’ve been used to transport the massive stones.

🖼️ Art: The richest person in Australia wants a painting of her removed from the country’s National Gallery. Art is subjective. But whew. We can see why she’s not a fan. The artist’s response, though? “I paint the world as I see it.” Ouch.

ANSWER

When he signed the Constitution in 1787, Jonathan Dayton was just 26 years old. The dude was four years too young to serve in the Senate. And nine years too young to become president.

Yadda yadda yadda, he was arrested for treason for trying to found a new country in the Southwest with none other than future Broadway star Aaron Burr.

PS: The youngest signer of the Declaration of Independence in 1776? Also 26.